emotionally retarded

masa aku mula2 kerja sebagai seorang doctor dulu, aku selalu balik dari kerja dan tak dapat nak lelap mata. sebab banyak perkara yang berlegar2 dalam otak aku..aku selalu dapat nightmare pasal patients aku dan consultants aku marah2, etc etc

did i give him the right antibiotic?
did i make the right diagnosis?
did i miss anything in my management plan?
why cant i do the venflon just now?
will he/she still be there tomorrow?


kemudian lama2 sedikit aku boleh accept my limitations dan kurang anxious about my shortcomings. when i move on to my medical rotation, i have to face with death everyday.

was it my fault?
am i too late?
if i did that, can i prevent it?
berdosa ke aku?

nightmare selalu di sini

setengah deaths stay with me for quite sometime. when my first patient died, i cried for almost 2-3 nights. kadang, aku kena slow-talk with my colleague baru lah lega sikit. kadang2, patient yang look stable, didnt make it to the next monday ward round. and setengah2 patient yang consultant gave him/her days/weeks to live managed to make it out of hospital alive!.. no one can predict life or death thats for sure.

sekarang ini bila dah kerja almost two years..

cant wait until friday
when is the next payday?
one patient down, 20 more to go.


aku rasa takut bila aku dah kurang sensitiviti toward deaths.. maybe sebab dah terlalu expose terhadap perkara2 yang sensitif everyday, frequent visits to the mortuary for patients identification, aku dah jadi immune, mentally retarded. dont get me wrong, bukanlah aku patut menangis for every deaths, amatlah emotionally drained kalu camtu.. tapi kadang2 ada jugak perasaaan malas, try to cut corner waktu kerja, bagi aku perkara2 macam ini agak berbahaya coz a job in this field give me lots of responsibilities.

no one can predict this di sini

i have to remind myself always

hey, nak makan gaji buta ke?
this is someone else's father, mother, son etc etc. should treat them as how i would like other people to treat mine


satu lagi perkara yang menakutkan, aku risau bila aku balik malaysia, sebab different working culture and sensitivity, communication aku dengan patient jadi hampeh, aku amik remeh perasaan patient, aku jadi panas baran denga junior, nak tengking2.. lebey2 pulak, with tiredness, overwork, stress, pressure, and working enviroment yg sucks..

so far dekat sini, especially when i'm on-call with million things to do, i can still smile and says thanks you.